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the malady of elegance.

Feb. 19th, 2012 | 10:41 pm
mood: pessimistic
music: we came as romans - what i wished i never had

letting go.

it's time this livejournal and i parted ways, i think. gosh i will miss it SO MUCH. thank you a million times to the few of you that read me over the past 4 years (4 years i repeat 4 years guys) (all short-lived beverlychaos, funeral-army, chachacaro, thisiswhoweare, gcpunkid, xstupid-kidx, gcworld27, etc are crying out of jealousy right now) (hahahaha); thank you for the feedbacks and the support you gave me when it came to photography, writing, drawing, but also hopes and sadness. the first lines of this blog were written as i was fifteen, and it's pretty fair to say that this livejournal has shown me in my absolute fucking worst moments, but also at the happiest times of my life. i've always tried not to express things too explicitly for i didn't want to get intimate over the internet but you know what it is - no matter how many masks you can hide behind, no many how many smiles you can fake, you can't lie to art. i'm not giving up on photography, drawing, "writing", nor any other of my sad attempts to artistic activities such as playing music or painting; i'll just find another place, more private, to put my "work" and thoughts on. once again, merci. you all know who you are, you mean the world to me and i will always mean it. i know i'm not the most open-hearted friend, nor the most talented one, or the kind of friend you can be proud of; which makes me even more grateful to have such understanding, supportive and faithful beings in my life. to move on is to grow, joshua wrote. i'm not sure about the growing part, but i definitely wish i moved on. i want to. i have to. i need to. shutting down a blog is obviously not gonna change anything about what happens in real life but still it will keep me from whining here when i could and should actually do something about what upsets me instead. leaving one's comfort zone is so scary but you can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, right? this is about not doing the same mistakes over and over again and try and give it a final shot. to what? well, everything. i'm not being hopeful here, i'm desperate. and no one can tell me everything is gonna be okay or that the future will be brighter and you know why, because no one knows. plain and simple. when everything feels so lost, destructive and raging, the only thing left to do is letting go.

just let it go.

      "these demons will never leave me, but i control them, not the other way around."
      

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lalala

Feb. 17th, 2012 | 07:31 pm
mood: sick
music: the world alive - epiphany

the summet set
attack attack!
attack! attack!
texas in july
set your goals
upon a burning body
falling in reverse
the world alive
every avenue
bright eyes
i see stars
dream on, dreamer
heaven shall burn
breathe carolina
emmure
letlive.
i set my friends on fire
whitechapel
parkway drive
motionless in white
the wonder years
we butter the bread with butter
the ghost inside
darkest hour
winds of plague
all that remains
man overboard
while she sleeps
bury tomorroww
comeback kid
emarosa
for the fallen dreams
living with lions
admiral arms
unearth
memphis may fire
walls of jericho
every time i die
four year strong
protest the hero
touché amoré
all shall perish
the ready set
etc.

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hoping it's not too wrong.

Feb. 15th, 2012 | 05:07 pm
mood: depressed
music: we came as romans - mis//understanding



silently with bloody knuckles, i carry on

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that we'd escape from the world that tied us down.

Feb. 11th, 2012 | 02:50 pm
mood: fat
music: asking alexandria - if you can't ride two horses at once (etc)

i hate, hate, HATE growing up more than anything else in the world, it scares the shit out of me and i hate it. i don't think i will grow up to anything anyway. not that i'm a pessimist but i do believe that there is no hope for me and that i won't ever become anything. i will never become something and will forever be stuck where i am right now with who i am right now. i can't do more - at least, i don't think i can, or even want to. it's not about being a teenage dirtbag or some kind of retard scared of taking her responsibilities (though i am scared of that, too). it's more about being true, i think. growing up, as i see it from where i am, involves too many things that are not me.
why is everything always about me when i talk, it's so damn annoying. (narcissistic whore)
sometimes i do things, not because i particularly enjoy them but because my head tells me, "that's what a normal 19-year-old girl is supposed to do and think; grow the fuck up and stop acting like a 14-year-old child." and i know i'm a hypocrite because i always tell my friends not to listen to what people say, to be weird if they are weird and to screw what's called "normal", yet i fail to follow these rules from time to time and just try to fit in.
hahahahaha, "fit in". of course i will never completely fit in, for there are some things i can never give up on because they are beyond true and meaningful to me. like music (what a fucking suprise isn't it). or even fashion. i can never dress like everyone else in order to please a popular opinion of what one should wear, or listen to lanadelsomething because it's the current trend. these are parts of myself that i shall never turn my back on, i know that.
but when it comes to other things, i happen to let myself be corrupted. for instance; a couple of years ago, i used to despise insipid and empty conversations, made up by social conventions for people to pretend they care about one another when they don't. well, i now take part in those conversations which makes me an object of profound despise to anyone that can see clearly my sick and pathetic attempt to belong somewhere that will never accept a girl like me. because i'm stupid. i'm dumb. i'm the total opposite of "smart". i don't how to answer questions. i don't know how to talk. i don't how to say things. i don't know how to express myself. i don't know how to make contact with people. i don't know how to behave. i'm not funny. i'm not spontaneous. i'm not pretty either. so i just stand there and smile and nod, like those dog toys they used to put at the back seat in the cars from the eighties. a brainless, blank bitch.
that's one of the things that make me believe i will never make anything out of myself. you see, i'm not gifted for anything. not only am i plain and stupid but i don't know how to draw, sing, take photos, write, do mathematics, think, speak, swim, play music, or create anything either. and by making something out of myself, i don't necessarily mean getting a dream job. just BE something. how can i be anything when i am stuck here and i don't see any way out? even if i wanted to get out of this, i am not brave enough to face what life has to give - opportunities, as much as failures, hardship, success, love, hate, glory, friendship, pain, all of it. i am not strong enough to even picture myself going through all this. on another note, as i've said it way too many times on this livejournal, i'm also scared that i will eventually forget what it's like to be a child, to love things passionately and put your whole heart and faith into something, into beliefs that matter more to you than getting a good grade in school or having a boyfriend. i'm scared i'll become everything i say i will never be. i'm afraid to stop being alive and for that i'd rather be dead.
ok so i just broke down in tears a couple of lines ago and i can't seem to stop, oh my gosh why am i such an annoying emotional fuck seriously; so i'm gonna stop here. this is the most personal i ever got on here and the last time it happens.

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new favourite ♡

Feb. 11th, 2012 | 10:26 am
mood: pessimistic
music: asking alexandria - morte et dabo

Photobucket

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^ dsjfhsdkjwskdjckjsdhflkwsdjiws this is so amazing i have no words

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Nicolas Andreas Taralis, spring/summer 2012

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a worthless, big, lousy disappointment.

Feb. 10th, 2012 | 07:39 am

when exactly have i become a bad student?


Postée via m.livejournal.com.

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the first note that was ever sang.

Feb. 7th, 2012 | 07:07 pm
mood: annoyed
music: asking alexandria - a prophecy

it's silly how we, kids, hold on to little, insignificant things as some would call them.
people who will never know about our existence, lyrics close to a heart, a moment in time, 
whatever it is, at the end of the day what is important is to find the right person, the right word, the right thing, at the right time.
and i believe that when you found that something or someone that makes you happy, you have to hold on to it as tight as possible, at least until you feel like you don't need it anymore - if that time comes someday.

well, we came as romans is this someone to me at the moment. ever since i saw them, i found in each day a reason to smile, to stop hurting, and to carry on through whatever there is to carry on through. and that's fairly enough.


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darling, scars will remain.

Feb. 5th, 2012 | 04:18 pm

knife face into sink
apart ripped guts
to the down bone
step one late too
never i you told and
disgust
open scratch skin this
yourself hang go
on spat get
are stubborn how scars
curse blessed with
no just failure a
sick you me make
into sharp dive objects eyes
rotten soul
tongue tear of face out self-righteous
on own choke failures your
stuck
stuck
stuck
mouth dirt down shove
throat and slit watch this
drown suffocate silence
thighs pieces cut in
destroyed be to flesh
and jaw this break
relentlessly, she said.


Postée via m.livejournal.com.

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we are the youth gone wild.

Feb. 5th, 2012 | 01:56 am
mood: creative
music: asking alexandria - youth gone wild

tell me HOW i'm supposed to save money for a new camera when such treasures are on sale. *inhales, exhales deeply*



esco jacket by all saints, 278£



kendall biker jacket by all saints, 158£ 


                      pretty positive i won't be able to resist and will go for the second one.                      

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so dry your eyes.

Feb. 3rd, 2012 | 11:23 pm
mood: failure
music: asking alexandria - a prophecy

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